Him Read online

  I envied her. She was happy. Pure and simple.

  She bent over me and kissed me on the forehead. I in turn kissed her pregnant belly. We were beaming. She sat down.

  We picked up our menus, decided on salad, and the waitress took our order. Then Rebecca looked at me with an odd smile on her face.

  Old friends can always tell. Or at least she could.

  ‘Who is he?’ she asked.

  ‘Who is who?’

  ‘Come on. You have that freshly fucked look on your face. Your movements are so languid. It can only mean one thing. Who is he?’

  I didn’t know if I wanted to tell her anything. I was afraid I would jinx everything. He was my secret. Sure, Sam had seen HIM come and go from the duplex but I hadn’t said anything to anyone.

  What was there to say anyway? That I was having the most intense sexual experience of my life with a man I barely knew?

  I felt exposed.

  I told her the basics – how handsome he was, his accomplishments. But I stopped after that and asked her about her pregnancy. When she spoke, I pretended to listen.

  I could only think about HIM. I hadn’t bathed after he left, wanting to retain his scent and the feel of HIM against my body for as long as possible. I could still feel his come inside me. I am sure my mouth must have seemed bruised from so much kissing and I had a string of love bites across my breasts. Every part of my body felt swollen, so loved, so attended to.

  My best friend continued to talk. We sat together for a long time.

  * * *

  When I arrived home I saw a white cat with long hair and blue eyes sitting on the stoop and staring at me.

  I picked it up and held it. The cat began to purr. I knocked on Sam’s door. When he opened it, he laughed heartily. ‘Oh, my, what do we have here?’

  I handed him the cat. ‘Boy or girl?’

  He turned it upside down. ‘It’s a girl.’ He paused and said, ‘I think.’

  We walked into Sam’s duplex. He handed the cat back to me as I sat on the couch.

  ‘No collar, huh?’

  I shook my head. ‘No. Nothing.’

  ‘She’s a pretty one.’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘She’s deaf.’

  ‘Why do you say that?’

  ‘Most white-haired female cats with blue eyes are deaf.’

  ‘Wow. What an interesting piece of information to have stored in your head. Prove it.’

  He went back into his kitchen and brought out several pots and pans. He banged them together. The cat didn’t flinch.

  ‘You’re right,’ I said. ‘She didn’t hear it. But I did. Ouch.’

  ‘I was pretty sure I was right,’ he said. ‘So what are you going to do with her?’

  ‘Hmm. I didn’t think parenthood would happen like this,’ I said. ‘I guess I’ll put some signs up and then, if no one responds, I’ll keep her.’

  ‘What are you going to call her?’

  I thought for a moment. ‘Esme.’

  ‘Interesting name.’

  ‘She was a character in a Salinger short story. Esme was a teenage girl who touched the heart of a weary soldier with her kindness.’

  ‘Nice story. Kinda like you and me, huh?’

  ‘Sure. Wanna go with me to the store to pick up some supplies for her?’ I asked.

  ‘Sure.’

  ‘Let me put her inside my apartment and get my purse, then we can go. Or do you mind if she stays in your apartment till we get back?’

  ‘That’s fine.’

  * * *

  We drove to a pet store. Sam and I entered it with anticipation. I found a shopping cart and we strolled down the aisles. We bought Esme everything: a litter box, litter, dry and canned catfood and enough toys to keep her occupied for a long time. When we arrived at the aisle with the collars, we both immediately gravitated to the blue one. ‘It will match her eyes,’ I said. He nodded.

  ‘It feels like Christmas, doesn’t it?’ Sam asked.

  One of the clerks showed us how to make a nametag with her name and my phone number on it. ‘Guess this cements the deal,’ I told Sam. ‘I mean, what if her owner shows up? I do plan on putting up signs.’

  ‘It’ll be OK. It’ll be a happy ending either way,’ he replied.

  ‘Oh, it’ll break my heart if her former owner finds her.’

  ‘It’s always possible she was abandoned,’ he said thoughtfully. ‘But why would anyone give up such a pretty cat? I don’t think she’s feral. She likes people too much. Wild cats are much more skittish.’

  ‘Of course, I would feel sad for her previous owners if they’re looking for her but I really hope no one claims her.’

  ‘Me too.’

  The following evening I affixed flyers on various trees and lampposts in the neighbourhood.

  6

  I can’t find HIM, redux.

  I was swallowed up in an abyss of love in an instant. There was no pausing on the brink; no looking down, or looking back.

  Charles Dickens, David Copperfield

  This is what I understood: there was no going back. None. Desire was a slow burn that would consume me. It didn’t matter. I just wanted HIM. HIM.

  This was new territory for me.

  The next morning I woke up with a start. It was Saturday. Where was he? I wanted to wake up to HIM. Where was he? Where was he? How could he not be here with me? What if he was still married? I hated that he was never available at weekends. Maybe he was still with her? Maybe he was with someone else. But when I asked HIM about her he always said the same thing: the marriage had run its course. There was no going back.

  I remembered our conversation the first night we were together at the hotel and I brought up the subject of his marriage. He had sighed and moaned and looked sad. He said they continued to fight over custody of the children. He told me he lived in a small apartment near their family home. ‘It was the least I could do: leave her with the house,’ he confided. ‘I was the one who left her. She’s never forgiven me for it.’

  I’d held HIM close. I could tell he’d gone through a lot.

  He told me that one of the reasons he wasn’t available at weekends was that his wife had never really honoured the every-other-weekend agreement of their custody. She’d find reasons to make plans for the children at weekends, when they were supposed to be with HIM.

  I’d kissed HIM. I felt sorry for HIM. He was the wronged parent. He seemed so earnest.

  Of course I hated her. But if he weren’t available I would have to look the other way. I was absolutely smitten with HIM. It had never been like this before.

  It wasn’t just the sex any more. It was the whole package. He practised international law. He jetted off to Europe and Asia. He was in an entirely different class professionally. I’d never been involved with a man like HIM.

  So maybe power was an aphrodisiac. Or maybe it was that he kept coming back for more. Perhaps it was his whispering in my ear that he’d take care of me. It was all so alluring.

  I loved fucking HIM but I also loved talking to HIM. It was just the beginning of our love affair but when I was with HIM I was certain we’d be together for a long time. He was everything I wanted in a man and more. And the sex, the sex … I got wet just thinking about HIM.

  I slipped my fingers inside my pussy, closed my eyes. I could hardly breathe.

  I was very close to coming when I opened my eyes to see my newfound cat next to my shoulder, staring at me. ‘Esme,’ I whispered, ‘just a moment.’ And then I closed my eyes again and rubbed myself to orgasm.

  Afterwards I climbed out of bed, picked up the cat and took her to the kitchen to feed her. As she ate I cautioned her. ‘Esme. I am a woman who is in the midst of a very intense and sexual love affair. What you saw this morning is just the tip of the iceberg.’

  She looked up at me momentarily. I knew she couldn’t hear or understand me, but I also knew she’d be my best confidante in the days to come.

  7

  Wai
ting to see HIM …

  All, everything that I understand, I understand only because I love.

  War and Peace, Leo Tolstoy,

  This is what I understood: I was in so deep and there was no going back. I’d thrown caution to the wind and for what? My mother had taught me about the greatest writers of Western civilisation but she hadn’t versed me in self-protection. I had taken the road with steep cliffs on both sides.

  * * *

  Several days later I stood on a ladder in the backyard with Sam below me. He and I had decided to harvest the apples from the apple tree. Sam held a pillowcase to collect our bounty. He loved my French apple pie and I intended to make a dozen or so of them over the course of the next couple of days. We’d freeze most of them for later in the year.

  It was during this venture that I felt the vibration of my cell in my back pocket of my jeans. I thought about not answering it but I wanted to know if it was HIM. I looked at Sam, who gave me an ironic smile.

  ‘Answer it already,’ he said.

  I reached in my back pocket, the ladder swaying ever so slightly. Sam grabbed the base and held it in place. I removed one of my gardening gloves with my teeth and held it there. I could see it was HIM.

  I put the phone back in my pocket. I’d have to read it later. There was no way I could read anything from HIM with Sam in such close proximity. My cheeks had already reddened with embarrassment.

  Sam teased me about HIM. ‘You got it bad.’

  I smiled weakly. Sam had no idea how much I was banking on this love affair.

  I hurried through the task of picking the apples. Sam seemed to sense my anxiety and soon begged off, complaining of a backache. He needed to lie down. I scurried down the ladder. I watched Sam retreat toward his side of the duplex.

  ‘Let me know if you need anything. I’ll bring over one of my pies soon,’ I yelled after him. But I’d already yanked off the garden gloves and thrown them to the ground. I grabbed the phone out of my back pocket and stared down at the Blackberry’s screen.

  HIM: Been in mtgs w/execs all day but kept thinking abt bending u over, doggy style.

  ME: God I love it 2. I love it SO much.

  HIM: I like to watch ur tits sway when I fuck u.

  ME: My tits love it when u r fucking me.

  HIM: I will be @ same hotel in downtown next Tues nite. Can you come?

  ME: Abso-fucking-lutely.

  HIM: Gotta run.

  ME: K.

  * * *

  The next day I drove to a lingerie store on the Boulevard. The shop had a myriad sexy negligées and such. The woman behind the counter looked at me knowingly. She was an older woman with long, dark, curly hair, perhaps in her fifties, but she exuded sexuality. She wore a boho purple dress that managed to show off her curves despite its frilliness.

  ‘The man I am seeing likes it when I wear sexy outfits,’ I explained.

  ‘Of course he does,’ she replied. ‘I have just the right item for you. It will drive him wild. Follow me.’

  I walked past racks of lingerie, all beautiful and delicate and sexy, but she took me to the back aisle of the store and handed me a package. Inside was a crotchless black lace body suit.

  ‘Your man will love this. I suspect you will love it too. You are having a good time with this man?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Nothing has been like this before for you, has it?’

  ‘No,’ I said, barely in a whisper, my face reddening.

  I believe she knew I was in the middle of a sexual relationship that was consuming me, body and soul. I was pretty sure she had travelled the same terrain: the darker, out-of-control side of sex. We both knew there was no going back.

  ‘You have to be careful though. All the sex can make you a little crazy,’ she said.

  ‘How?’ I asked nervously.

  ‘The sex takes you places you’ve never been before. But it can consume you.’

  ‘Yes. But that’s OK.’

  ‘Enjoy it, my dear. But be careful.’

  ‘OK.’

  ‘It’s just that men often have many secrets. You never know who he really is.’

  ‘He’s very open with me,’ I said defensively. ‘His ex-wife was horrible.’

  ‘They always are,’ she said with a smirk. ‘Enjoy the ride, but proceed with caution. Don’t always be so available.’

  She might as well have told me to bicycle to Mars.

  We walked back in silence to the store cash register. I wanted to ask her more about my situation but I really didn’t know her. I gave her my credit card. She ran it through the machine and handed me the package. We smiled at one another.

  She put her hand on my shoulder. ‘Take care, honey. Come back to the store whenever you’d like. You can see we have many beautiful negligées, but I’m also here just if you want to talk. Your friends are probably too vanilla to understand what is going on with you.’

  ‘Thank you,’ I replied, almost in a whisper.

  Once home I threw my clothes off and opened the package. It took a while to get the body suit on. I looked at myself in the mirror. My white skin against the black lace made my tits appear enormous. I was very turned on. I rushed to my phone and then back to the mirror. Aiming the phone at the mirror, I snapped the photo. I looked amazing. I sent it to HIM and waited, lying on my bed with the body suit on, expectantly.

  He answered me about a half hour later.

  HIM: OMG. I luv the photo. Totally hard 4 u. I have to fuck u now!

  ME: Be my guest.

  HIM: Damn, so busy @ work but can’t wait 2 c u on Tuesday.

  ME: U r gonna luv the body suit.

  HIM: U look gr8 in it. I want to do all sorts of things 2 u.

  ME: U can do whatever u want 2 do 2 me. I want u so bad.

  HIM: An offer I can’t refuse.

  ME: K. Can’t wait 2 c u. Any chance sooner?

  HIM: No. Busy w/kids this wkend. Gotta run. More mtgs.

  * * *

  And then the weekend was upon me. I had to get through more days before I would see HIM. I hated the weekends without HIM.

  I wondered if he was really divorced. I had done for a while. I’d vacillate from wondering about whether he was lying to me to fantasising about the sex we were having. I knew he and I were lost in a world of secret desire.

  * * *

  I spent the weekend baking apple pies. I brought one over to Sam on Sunday night and then stayed for dinner. He didn’t ask me about HIM.

  I kept my phone close by. I was hoping he’d text me but he didn’t.

  Waiting for HIM to text me was hell. I could not imagine living like this for ever. My nerves were shot. I wanted to drink or smoke or use drugs and sleep all day or cry all day or injure myself in some way. This was hell.

  Heaven was getting a text from HIM.

  * * *

  On Tuesday, he texted me during my class. The students heard it although I was supposed to have turned my phone off.

  ‘Excuse me,’ I said to my students. ‘I have a friend in the hospital. Her sister said she’d text me about the test results.’ I paused. ‘She’s OK.’

  After the class THE BOY came to my desk. ‘Your friend is in the hospital?’ he asked.

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Well, have a good time.’ I was too obsessed to really get crazy about THE BOY’s remarks. But I knew he was on to me.

  I left the college early and went home to pick up my bag for the night. Esme followed me around the apartment. I felt guilty about leaving her alone. I scooped her up and held her in my arms. ‘You’re so beautiful,’ I told her. ‘I am so happy you’re in my life.’ She began purring softly and I held her for a long time.

  I went into the kitchen, opened a can of catfood and put it into one of her bowls. I also took out the dry catfood and filled another bowl to the brim. I checked her water supply. She was going to be OK without me for the night, but I hurriedly left the duplex while she was still eating. Just as I was leaving I felt my phone vi
brate. It was HIM.

  HIM: Hey baby, can’t wait 2 c u @ downtown hotel 2nite.

  ME: Me 2.

  HIM: I have mtg til 8. If u want to come sooner I will leave ur name @ desk.

  ME: K.

  When I arrived at the hotel the clerk gave me the key to HIM’s room. I saw that he’d already settled in: his open suitcase was on top of the dresser. I looked at the contents. I supposed I was hoping to find clues to determine who he really was. But the items were generic: underwear, socks, several ties. There were several folders with electronic charts and diagrams. He’d put a suit in the closet. I smelled the jacket, taking in the delicious scent of HIM. HIM. He’d soon be inside me. I looked at the clock on the night table next to the bed. It would be several hours before he arrived.

  * * *

  I took a long bath, reapplied my make-up and put on the body suit. When I looked in the mirror I was once again shocked by how sexy I looked in it. I put one of my fingers in my already wet pussy. I went to the bed and lay down. I didn’t mean to fall asleep but I did.

  * * *

  I awoke to HIM opening the door. He came and lay down next to me.

  He kissed me on the forehead, then took a strand of my hair and brushed it behind my ear. ‘Ah, ah, ah,’ he said.

  He began stroking my pussy. He found the place, the very place. He slowly touched me THERE. He was so gentle and I began to move to his touch. I came in a moment of pure ecstasy, and then I came again. I wondered what it was like for HIM to watch me in my most intimate moments, my whole body quivering in delight.

  I actually lost count of how many times he brought me to climax. And then we just lay on the bed, not talking.

  * * *

  He made love to me that evening and again in the middle of the night. In the morning he suggested we shower together. I agreed.

  He opened the shower door and let me in first. He lathered me with a bar of soap, then himself. Our bodies glided over one another.

  Then he pushed me up against the wall of the shower. He held my hands above my head so I could not move. He released one of his hands long enough to use it to guide his cock into my pussy. He looked down at me again while bringing his hand back up so that he was holding both of my hands up against the wall. It felt like handcuffs.