Him Read online

‘It would be heaven to wake up to you every morning,’ he whispered in my ear.

  I gasped. What an amazing promise. It was a beautiful fantasy.

  I could already imagine being in bed with HIM each morning. We’d live in a pretty little seaside cottage. It would be a sweet little place. We’d be able to feel a soft sea breeze upon our skin when the bedroom window was left open in the summer months. What better place to make love to this beautiful man?

  I knew his promise was premature. But it didn’t matter. Already I was repeating it in my head. He wanted to wake up to me every morning. He wanted to wake up to me. He wanted …

  I took HIM to my sofa. We sat there for hours. He explored my body with his hands. He stopped for a moment, looking into my eyes.

  We began to kiss again. He slowly removed my negligee. I sat naked in front of HIM. He liked my being naked while he was still dressed. It turned HIM on.

  He devoured my breasts with his mouth, sucking on my nipples until I moaned with equal pleasure and pain.

  ‘I love your breasts,’ he said, cupping them. ‘I could get down on my hands and knees to worship them.’ And he did just that: he fell to his knees and buried his face in my chest.

  I felt honoured.

  ‘I love this,’ he whispered. ‘I love it. I could stay like this for ever.’

  ‘I want you inside me,’ I pleaded. ‘Please.’

  I took HIM into my bedroom. I lay on the bed and watched HIM undress. As he walked towards me, I was transfixed by his erection.

  He fucked me thoroughly, over and over, in so many different positions. I’d never felt so womanly before. What was there to say? Being with HIM was exhilarating. I couldn’t get enough of HIM. He seemed to feel the same way.

  He left a few hours later after telling me that his son needed to be at football practice early the next day.

  I would see HIM again soon.

  3

  I can’t find HIM …

  We shall find peace. We shall hear the angels, we shall see the sky sparkling with diamonds.

  Anton Chekhov, Uncle Vanya

  This is what I understood: before I met HIM I’d been walking blind. But now my eyes were wide open. All my senses were amplified. It was a brave new world I’d entered and I wasn’t sure how to navigate it. It felt overwhelming.

  I could not stop crying.

  But it didn’t matter. I would’ve sojourned here anyway.

  This was what I knew: I gave HIM my body. He made love to it, fucked it, slapped it, bit it and spanked it. In turn he gave me oblivion in pleasure.

  I didn’t feel that I’d ever had a choice. And until I entered his world I couldn’t have possibly known I would feel this way.

  * * *

  The next morning I was scheduled to help my landlord Sam with the maintenance of one of his apartment buildings. I met him out in the front of our duplex at 10 a.m. I unlocked the doors of my car, Sam walked round to the passenger side and I slipped into the driver’s seat. We put on our seatbelts. I looked at him.

  ‘Grandview?’ I asked.

  ‘Grandview,’ he echoed, chuckling.

  Even after all the years of living next to one another and my helping to take care of his apartment buildings, we could never say the name of this one without laughing. The Grandview Apartments actually faced a row of warehouses.

  ‘The drunk in 201 finally moved out,’ he told me.

  ‘Always fun going in after someone like that leaves. God only knows what you’ll find,’ I said, heading south towards the Grandview.

  ‘Apartment 111 says the sink is leaking.’

  ‘Piece of cake. The pipe needs a new washer,’ I said.

  ‘You’re good,’ Sam said.

  ‘I learned everything I know from you.’

  ‘The lady in 203 called last night to say the lightbulb in her bathroom ceiling fixture needs to be changed,’ he said.

  ‘What time did she call you anyway?’

  ‘I don’t know. Maybe around three in the morning.’

  ‘That lady is out of her mind. Besides, it isn’t your responsibility to change her lightbulbs.’

  ‘She’s older than I am. I feel sorry for her.’

  ‘Maybe she’s after you.’

  We both laughed. The tenant in 203 was too old and too frail to have any romantic thoughts towards him or anyone.

  ‘Do you ever consider remarrying?’ I asked him.

  ‘Well, obviously I’m not gonna marry the lady in 203. But no, I don’t think about getting married again. I liked being married to the Mrs. But when she died, I never once thought about it. It would be hard to go through all the motions of sharing my life with someone again.’

  ‘I felt like I was married to Jake,’ I said.

  ‘I know. You were married in your own fashion. What about your new guy?’

  ‘New guy?’ I played innocent.

  ‘Oh, c’mon. I saw him get out of his car a couple nights ago,’ Sam said.

  ‘Well, it’s way too soon to call,’ I said. ‘Needless to say he claims his ex-wife is evil.’

  ‘That’s too bad,’ said Sam. ‘Usually if there are unresolved feelings from the divorce, they get carried over into the next relationship.’

  ‘God, I hope not.’

  ‘Just be cautious.’

  ‘Yes, Dad.’

  ‘Well, how about you just enjoy the ride for now? Just enjoy yourself.’

  ‘Thanks.’

  Sam and I spent several hours at the apartment complex. I kept my phone on, hoping for a text from HIM. But I did not hear back from HIM that day.

  * * *

  Time passed. He never got in touch.

  It was hard to concentrate and I was useless at work. I closed my eyes during breaks from my classes, sitting at my desk recalling each moment with HIM. It was strange having erotic thoughts while waiting for my students. The bungalow where I taught my classes at the college was so utterly depressing. The buildings had been installed there in the 60s. They were supposed to be temporary, but somehow they’d remained. They looked like army barracks. There was a row of windows looking out at yet another bungalow. The students’ desks were old and covered with graffiti. I despised my job and hated it even more because all I really wanted to do was to be with HIM again. It was the only thing that now made sense. The only thing.

  I had fifteen minutes between Creative Writing and Russian Lit classes. I closed my eyes. I swayed back and forth, just a little, recalling the rhythm of our two bodies. I shivered with sexual anticipation, fantasising to the point of orgasm, my body was so aroused.

  THE BOY walked in shortly after I climaxed. He looked at me and chuckled.

  ‘What?’ I asked.

  ‘What’ve you been up to?’

  ‘Nothing.’

  ‘You look like you’ve just had a really, really good time, but no one is here. Did you hide some guy in the closet?’

  ‘Ha.’

  Luckily the students arrived en masse for the class. I switched gears toTolstoy and Dostoyevsky. After class THE BOY smirked as he was leaving.

  * * *

  I fantasised and waited for HIM to call. A week had passed since our second liaison.

  I had gone about it all wrong and sold myself short. Why had I allowed this stranger into my bed? This was the man who had laid claim to my body. This was the man who knew exactly what I needed. But that was no guarantee of another visit. I’d been foolish to think I’d see HIM again.

  On the following Friday evening, I took to my bed and drank a bottle of wine.

  The phone did ring but it was Sam. He wanted to know if I was OK. I told him I had a cold and even faked a cough. Then I dialled my lover’s number.

  His phone went directly to voice messaging.

  ‘Please, please,’ I said, nearly incoherent. ‘I need you. Come back to me. I can’t stand another moment without you. I will do whatever you want to do with me. I want you so much.’ I began fingering myself while still on the phone, moaning into
it. I wanted HIM to hear my desire. I came in a burst of absolute surrender, then clicked off the phone.

  Later I fell asleep in a drunken stupor.

  He didn’t call me back.

  * * *

  I was invited to Rebecca’s baby shower on Sunday afternoon. I was sitting in the middle of a dozen or so women and was the only one who was still single. The women were showing each other photos of their babies taken on their cellphones. I was bored out of my mind. ‘Oh, yes. The babies are so pretty,’ I said, feebly pretending to be interested. The women were happy they had landed their husbands and had babies. I suspect they also enjoyed the slight thrill of feeling one up over me. They were living the American dream. I was hardly even trying.

  ‘Whatever happened to the last guy you were dating?’ one of the young married women asked me. Or was she just being cruel? It was hard to tell.

  ‘We decided it wasn’t going to work out,’ I said. But I had no idea what guy she was referring to. It didn’t matter. It was a generic ‘It didn’t work out’. Obviously if a relationship had prospered I’d be showing my photos of Junior myself.

  I saw the pitying look on several of the other women’s faces, but there was a glint of smugness too. There was a chorus of women wanting to tell me it was my fault. I made bad choices. I was not like them. They went home to a MAN: the ultimate female prize. They’d won. I was the odd duck.

  ‘Have you considered the Internet?’ someone else asked.

  ‘It seems so exhausting,’ I replied. ‘Sure, I tried it, but it just wasn’t for me.’

  ‘My cousin met her husband on match.com,’ another woman interjected.

  ‘Well,’ I murmured.

  ‘What do you have to lose?’

  I looked at her and thought she had a lot to lose if she continued in this vein – a couple of her front teeth for starters, and I wasn’t the violent type at all. I really didn’t want to have to justify to anyone anything about my ‘single’ life. Who did these women think they were, anyway? When married women made condescending comments to me about being single, it made me feel as if the women’s movement had never happened in our country. My mother taught me long ago that it wasn’t necessary to have a man in my life to be complete. She’d raised me on her own. She did a damn good job, too.

  Then Rebecca came to my rescue. She brought out the cake.

  I sat there politely eating the Red Velvet cake. It was too sweet, but what did I care? It was better than engaging in conversation. Then I heard my Blackberry vibrate. I put the piece of cake down on the coffee table. I stood up and fumbled in my purse until I found the phone. It was from HIM. I thought my heart had stopped.

  HIM: Thanks for the phone call. I’m in Seattle on business.

  ME: Seattle?

  HIM: On biz. Just here @ hotel.

  ME: Biz? But it’s the wk end.

  HIM: Don’t worry.

  ME: I’m not. Just curious.

  HIM: I want to fuck you again.

  ME: Yes.

  HIM: OMG. Just thinking abt fucking u got me hard.

  ME: I’m taking a nap right now. Naked. Wish u were here.

  (As if he needed to know I was at a baby shower, bored shitless.)

  HIM: Gotta go. Will fuck u later.

  And then he was gone. I looked at my phone. Our exchange was over so quickly. I thought it was odd that he was on business on a weekend, but what did I know?

  * * *

  I was beginning to feel sick. The cake had been too sweet. I closed my eyes for a moment and just sat there. I shivered again, thinking about what we’d written to each other.

  I needed to leave. The baby shower was unbearable.

  Picking up my purse and throwing it over my shoulder, I left without meeting Rebecca’s eyes.

  I rushed home, got back into bed and just lay there.

  * * *

  Later in the evening I heard a familiar knock at my door. It was Sam.

  ‘Just a minute,’ I yelled. I went into the bathroom and washed my face with cold water. I looked a little feverish but I knew it was just the jitters. I readjusted my clothing before opening the door. Sam held two bottles of Coors. He walked into the living room. We sat on the sofa. My bottle opener lay on the coffee table as it always did. He often came over for a beer – it was part of our ritual. We popped the bottles, clinked them together and simultaneously took a swig. Then silence.

  ‘So where did you meet your new guy?’ Sam asked. ‘I saw him arriving in his Mercedes last Friday night during the rainstorm.’

  ‘I was at a club with some friends of mine,’ I lied. ‘He’s a friend of a friend.’

  I didn’t tell Sam I’d slept with HIM right away. Why should I?

  ‘You should be careful,’ Sam said. ‘Do you know anything about him? Where did he grow up? What does he like to do for fun?’

  Screw it, I thought. For fun he fucks me silly.

  But I changed the subject.

  I didn’t know anything about HIM.

  4

  Rushing home to HIM …

  I have drunken deep of joy, And I will taste no other wine tonight.

  Percy Bysshe Shelley, The Cenci

  This is what I understood: I loved the surrender of my body – I loved my time with HIM and my time thinking about HIM. HIM. I loved the loss of my self. I knew there was danger in this. I knew it. I’d imagine myself lying on a bed, naked, waiting for HIM. HIM. And then he was on top of me, inside me. It was as it should be. It was as it was supposed to be.

  I took the sacrificial road.

  I’d only been with HIM twice but it seemed like we’d been together for ages. I so wanted to hear from HIM again. I waited for his text. If only he would text me. Where was he?

  It was hard to get on with my life. I sat in my bungalow at the college, grading papers. I despised my small life. I hated it. I wanted to live in a house with HIM. I could picture it, all flowers and picket fences. When I heard a text coming through I prayed it was HIM: the man who knew how to fuck me, the man who was beginning to define my life, the man I knew nothing about who held the promise of a future. My phone vibrated. I picked it up, hoping, hoping …

  And it was HIM. My heart banged.

  HIM: I’m @ a mtg downtown. Could be @ ur house in an hr.

  ME: Gr8.

  HIM: Sorry abt short notice.

  ME: No worries. Can’t wait 2 c u.

  I flew out of my bungalow and ran across the campus to my car. Once home, I jumped into the shower. Moments after turning off the blow dryer I could hear his car pulling into my driveway.

  I met HIM at the door with a towel wrapped around me.

  There was no ‘hello’, no ‘How are you?’s. He grabbed the towel, yanked it off me and pulled me against his body. His kisses came hard and fast. Without stopping, he led me to the sofa and bent me over it. Then in one quick move he unbuckled his belt and let his pants drop. Once he entered me, he showed me no mercy. He fucked me hard, doggy-style. And then he came deep, deep inside me.

  We fell onto the couch, our bodies intertwined. After a while we repositioned our bodies and faced one another. He whispered into my ear, ‘Hey.’

  ‘Hey back.’

  ‘I can’t stop thinking about you.’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘I’ll move you down to live closer to me as soon as I can,’ he said earnestly.

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘I’ll take care of you. You can write full-time.’

  ‘I want that so much.’

  He began touching me again. ‘Our bodies are perfect together,’ he said. ‘Your breasts are so round and full.’

  ‘I know.’ I was mesmerised by his desire for me.

  ‘Oh, my God, please,’ I said. ‘Please. Please make love to my tits. They’re yours. Yours. Oh, please. Please.’

  And then he was kissing them, sucking them. ‘Oh, my God,’ he cried. ‘I have to fuck you again.’

  This time we faced each other while lying on our sides. He stared int
o my eyes. Then he kissed me so passionately I could barely breathe, and slipped himself into my pussy. He didn’t stop kissing me. Our mouths remained locked until his breath became more irregular as his climax travelled through his body. He moaned into my mouth as he came.

  We lay there, both spent.

  And then it was my turn. I still needed more, needed to let HIM know how much I loved his cock. It was so beautiful. It gave me such pleasure. If he could only know what it felt like to see HIM walking toward me with his cock erect and eager to be inside me. If he only knew how much I thought about his cock when we were not together.

  I hovered over HIM. Time was suspended as I made sweet love to his cock, first kissing the head of it, small little kisses. Then I brought it into my mouth and circled my tongue around it. He began to move, pushing his cock further inside my mouth. I gasped. I moved my position so I could lick his balls, taking one ball into my mouth, then the other. I brought my tongue back up and over the shaft. And then he gently pulled me up into a sitting position. He stood up, holding his cock with his hand, and began masturbating. I sat transfixed by HIM. I could see that he was about to climax; his body went rigid and he emitted a low moan. I opened my mouth and swallowed his come. Then we collapsed together on the couch and held on to each other. We fell asleep wrapped in one another.

  He left in the middle of the night. I didn’t wake up.

  5

  Best friends and abandoned cats …

  To love is so startling it leaves little time for anything else.

  Emily Dickinson

  This is what I understood: I’d been unhappy for a very long time. I lived such a sheltered life and I had little curiosity. I lived vicariously through the books I read. I identified with the Bronte sisters and Emily Dickinson. I lived away from society. I was lost. I had travelled down an abandoned road.

  * * *

  I called in sick the following morning. Then I phoned Rebecca and asked her to meet me for lunch at our favourite café.

  The place was bristling with activity, and the outdoor tables were mostly filled. I found an empty table in the back near the bookstore. The bougainvillea was bountiful. I could hear the mumbled sound of other people’s conversations. Eventually, a very pregnant Rebecca walked towards me. She too was in full bloom, now close to her due date.